BaZi: Compatibility on Paper Doesn’t Equal Trust

A potential client contacted me the other day and asked about her Four Pillars of Destiny chart and the chart of one of the men she’s dating. She said, “From everything I’ve read, our charts look very compatible. Does that mean he’s ‘The One’?”

This isn’t such an easy question in our current social structure.

My first reaction to this is to say a resounding NO! I admit that that’s a good reaction because the number of ways we connect as humans goes beyond the traditional BaZi rules of compatibility.

There are many ways to detect a couple’s compatibility in BaZi/Four Pillars of Destiny (Chinese Astrology) analysis. In China, and this still happens today, sending the charts of both the couples to be read by a Master and calculating a suitable date for the union is commonplace.

The truth is that it only takes one compatibility factor to generate attraction between people. Usually, it’s a Peach Blossom star, promoting likeability and attractiveness. In BaZi analysis, a ‘star’ means energy, and the Peach Blossom is a type of energy, also known as the “Flower of Romance,” indicating a person’s natural affinity to it. Another aspect that you can look for in the chart is an element that is missing or lacking. You can look for a missing element in the partner’s chart to help balance the relationship. If your partner has the element you need, you would be more attracted to them. It’s even better if that works both ways if you have an element in your chart that your partner needs, too! Then, you have mutual benefit from working together in this union. Compatibility is the degree couples can work and play together. That said, compatibility alone doesn’t equal trust.

If you spend enough time on your favorite internet browser, you’ll find no shortage of studies, statistics, and facts about the divorce rates in the USA. The rate can be as high as 60% of marriages that end in separation. Could it be that there’s a marital divorce happening every 10 minutes? In the West, so many relationships start with a prenuptial agreement. They haven’t even started the relationship and are already agreeing on how they’ll separate.

That feels sad to me.

I met my husband in 2001. We were married in 2003 and still are together. There are some aspects of our charts that are compatible. Some are not. Choosing to stay married takes work. Deep intimacy connects a relationship as we grow, such as our age, health, building our careers, expanding our families, and addressing all the challenges along the way. I have learned that as we evolve, each of us will identify and, hopefully, share our wants, needs, aspirations, attitudes, beliefs, and desires. Those may change over time, so we must be open to each other’s evolution. Openness breeds intimacy.

Intimacy builds trust.

Here are a few factors to consider in developing intimacy in a relationship:

Self-Identity: the couple’s level of self-confidence and self-esteem
Expressiveness: the degree to which the couple’s thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and feelings are shared between the partners
Autonomy: how couples become independent from their families of origin and their offspring
Attachment: the sense that both partners are committed to the marriage
Affection: the degree of emotional closeness each partner expresses
Sexuality: how much of each partner’s sexual needs are communicated and fulfilled in the marriage
Conflict Resolution: how easily couples can resolve differences of opinion and respect each other

There is a vulnerability in building trust. Some of this comes automatically with time and daily interactions. Living with each other is a step toward encouraging more frequent daily interactions. It is no wonder that cohabitation before marriage is so widespread nowadays.

Building trust takes a willingness to open yourself up to the potential risk of hurt. Maybe that looks like talking about something embarrassing from your past, letting your partner in on what scares you, or showing parts of yourself that you judge as ‘unattractive.’

You won’t know if you can trust your partner unless you test it and build trust. We must make ourselves vulnerable to a potential letdown. Of course, gradually testing it out is best to protect ourselves on the journey.

There are fun and creative approaches to connecting with your partner. It doesn’t have to be all doom & gloom, deep thoughts, and profound revelations.

I value reviewing the Four Pillars of Destiny/Chinese Astrology because it can show you the compatibility points between people. Knowing the compatibility points can be beneficial in your closest interpersonal relationships and your business relationships, too.

When looking at relationships from a BaZi lens, sometimes opposites attract. I know of deeply fulfilling relationships in which the couple’s energy should clash and be unsuitable by all textbook rules. In fact, if you dig deeper, there are hidden elements that each other needs. They create a reciprocation of energy that is immensely satisfying by working together.

Sometimes between two people, one partner is the most helpful person, aka Nobleman, to the other. It can create a bond in which one feels they can rely on the other for help whenever needed. Your most helpful person will come through for you and build trust.

A good BaZi consultation can check for you and identify the compatibility between you and your potential partner. Armed with that information, you can go into the relationship knowing that there’s still work.

If you wonder about your compatibility with someone or why something is not working in your relationship, a BaZi reading may be an excellent place to start, and I’m happy to help.